TWO

Hello World.
It’s me again.
Today’s meeting with Dr. Joyce went well.  I let her read what I had posted here yesterday and she was really proud of me.  She said that it is much easier to understand what I’m trying to say when I’m writing things down, because I can go back over what I’ve written down and fix things; whereas if I’m speaking it’s not like I can just rewind time and say whatever it was over again the right way.  She told me that she wants me to continue writing to you all because she feels that since there were such great results from her little experiment exercise that she believes one day I’ll be able to communicate much better verbally with people.  It’s a step.  A small step towards having a normal life. 
We talked once again about why I’m even seeing her.  She always has to remind me at the beginning of each session, otherwise I can’t focus.  I go into one of my little ‘fantasies’ as she calls them.  Yet another symptom of my disorder.  I wouldn’t exactly call it a ‘fantasy’ though.  I enjoy them in the moment, but afterwards I am always left feeling guilty.  At one point they weren’t even ‘fantasies’, I had actually built up the curiosity to see what would happen if I actually carried one of these ‘fantasies’ out.  That was a huge mistake.  I didn’t even get very far.  Riley came in and stopped me, he told me it was wrong and I could go to jail for it.  It’s not like I didn’t already understand that.  I knew the consequences but when I zone out like that, I block out everything including the difference between what is right and what is wrong in this World.  That’s when my family realized that I wasn’t simply just a very shy and imaginative little girl.  There was always much more to my behavior than meets the EYE.

I have to leave now.  I have to find Riley and get my pills.
I fucking hate taking my pills…

~Willow