SEVENTEEN

Hello World.

I had meant to write to you all sooner but I was super busy with work on Friday, I even worked a later shift than I usually do so then by the time I got home I was too exhausted to think let alone write anything.  I noticed something though.  Ever since I’ve been seeing the tall man outside of my dreams, I haven’t actually been having dreams about him.  Instead I’m having dreams which are actually replaying memories of my childhood.  Sometimes they’re dreams of the part of my childhood before I was diagnosed with Schizotypy.  One dream in particular that I had made me question one of my symptoms though.  It was a memory before my diagnosis, I had been playing with one of my friends and she and I were feeding bread to the ducks that lived down by the pond on my parents’ old property.  I was probably 6 or so, I remember it being a few months before my parents took me to the doctors to get me checked out for mental illnesses.  I had ran back into the house to grab more bread to feed the ducks while my friend finished using what bread she had left in her hand.  While inside I ran immediately to the knife drawer and grabbed the biggest one I could find.  I looked it over, admiring its gleam and my own reflection in the blade.  A blank white face could be seen standing behind me and even though I looked right at it in the reflection, I never turned around to actually look at the figure.  I ran out of the house and straight to the pond, stopping a few feet behind my friend, now that I think about it I believe her name was Carolyn.  She had knelt down, soiling her white dress in the damp grass and mud, to feed the ducks by hand.  The ducks, seeing me, quacked loudly and scrambled away.  Carolyn stood up and turned around to see what had scared the ducks away.  Seeing me with the large knife in my hand scared her and she started to back away from me.  I stared at her with a very calm and content look on my face while slowly moving towards her.  I could feel the same emotions I had when I had actually experienced them and the one emotion going through my mind was….hm….I’m trying to think of the correct word to use.  You know that feeling when someone you care about or look up to asks you to do something really important for them?  You feel like you have a huge responsibility to carry out the task at hand?  That’s how I felt.  I felt as if I had some kind of responsibility to kill Carolyn.  I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t sad, hell I didn’t even feel anything but that responsibility. 
Anyway, I backed her further into the pond, Carolyn is crying at this point.  Her cheeks are red and puffy and she’s bawling like a baby.  Her eyes are filled with water and they are squinted almost closed.  Soon enough she backed up so far that she was almost in the middle of the pond, and she was in far enough to where she could no longer touch the bottom.  She was starting to thrash about and scream for help.  She was drowning.  I went in after her and even though she was unable to swim properly she did everything in her power to get away from me.  Before I could even make it all the way to her, she disappeared under the water.  The knife fell out of my hand and sunk to the bottom of the pond and my parents came running out of the house. 
Then I woke up.

I can only assume that Carolyn drowned.  I don’t recall ever seeing her again after that but if she did survive somehow, her parents never let me see her again.  The only thing I remember after Carolyn went under and the knife dropped from my hands was a sense of pure serenity and calmness.  I had accomplished what I was bid to do and I felt peaceful.  I’m going to start keeping a dream journal to write my dreams down and if any of these dreams seems significant enough, I will post them here.

I’m starting to wonder however if my killing fantasies are an actual symptom of my Schizotypy….or if I have somehow always been that way, and if this tall man is responsible for them.

~Willow