Hello
World.
A lot has
happened this past week so I’m not going to waste time explaining all of it.
Riley’s paranoia around me hadn’t gone away and I was starting to become really annoyed with it. Two days after my last entry with the dream about Carolyn I was in the kitchen fixing myself something to eat for lunch. Justine was wandering nearby as she usually does since she follows me everywhere. I was cutting up an onion and Riley happened to walk into the kitchen as I was doing so. He had just woken up so he wasn’t paying any attention to where he was going and I glanced at him just as he was about to step right on Justine. I don’t think I have ever moved so fast in my life. I stopped what I was doing and had Riley up against the wall with my arm across his chest holding him there; the knife was still in my hand. Riley stared at me wide-eyed completely awake now for a few moments before sliding out of my grip and yelling at me, “What the hell was that Willow? “
I apologized angrily and told him he was going to step on Justine who was now hiding in one of the drawers I had left open for her to climb into.
“You could have hurt me with that knife and how the fuck did you pin me against that wall huh?” He complained rubbing his hand across his chest where my arm had been. I stared at him blankly for a moment trying to process his words. I couldn’t have hurt him right? I mean he’s a full grown man and I’m kind of on the short and small side of a woman’s build. I moved towards him to see if he was okay but he turned defensively away from me and rushed out of the room. I stood there for a while thinking about what had just happened. Justine poked her little head out of the drawer and scurried over to me. She climbed up my pajama pants and up my arm where I helped her onto my shoulder and continued to cut the onion for my lunch.
Riley’s paranoia around me hadn’t gone away and I was starting to become really annoyed with it. Two days after my last entry with the dream about Carolyn I was in the kitchen fixing myself something to eat for lunch. Justine was wandering nearby as she usually does since she follows me everywhere. I was cutting up an onion and Riley happened to walk into the kitchen as I was doing so. He had just woken up so he wasn’t paying any attention to where he was going and I glanced at him just as he was about to step right on Justine. I don’t think I have ever moved so fast in my life. I stopped what I was doing and had Riley up against the wall with my arm across his chest holding him there; the knife was still in my hand. Riley stared at me wide-eyed completely awake now for a few moments before sliding out of my grip and yelling at me, “What the hell was that Willow? “
I apologized angrily and told him he was going to step on Justine who was now hiding in one of the drawers I had left open for her to climb into.
“You could have hurt me with that knife and how the fuck did you pin me against that wall huh?” He complained rubbing his hand across his chest where my arm had been. I stared at him blankly for a moment trying to process his words. I couldn’t have hurt him right? I mean he’s a full grown man and I’m kind of on the short and small side of a woman’s build. I moved towards him to see if he was okay but he turned defensively away from me and rushed out of the room. I stood there for a while thinking about what had just happened. Justine poked her little head out of the drawer and scurried over to me. She climbed up my pajama pants and up my arm where I helped her onto my shoulder and continued to cut the onion for my lunch.
Everything
was basically the same for the next few days, another dream but nothing too
significant to share. Riley was still
being paranoid and looking at me as if I were going to pull a knife out of my
bra and stab him in the throat or something.
Then two days ago I walked into Riley’s bedroom to ask him something and
I accidentally caught him with his shirt off.
He was facing me when I walked in and I couldn’t believe what I
saw. There was a long bruise the size of
my arm running horizontally across his chest where I pinned him the other day. I stared at him and he stared back at me and
we literally stood there for at least a minute without saying a word. Finally I turned and walked back down the
hallway and into the living room. I didn’t
see him for the rest of the night and I didn’t sleep at all. I laid there in bed wondering how I could
have done that to him and also wondering why I felt almost no emotion towards
what I did. I kept thinking about how it
could have been worse and thankfully I felt a little scared thinking about the
other things I could have done to him that morning.
I didn’t see Riley again until yesterday afternoon when I got home from work. When I walked into the apartment he was sitting on the couch and didn’t say a word, he didn’t even look at me. I put down my bag and went into my room to let Justine out of her cage. I came back into the living room and sat down on the couch. Riley looked at me and I just started bawling. I don’t know how I could just start crying that hard but it happened. He scooted closer to me immediately to comfort me and he kept telling me that it was okay and everything was fine. I kept telling him between sobs that it wasn’t okay and that I was so very sorry for what I did to him. When I kept crying he asked me if anything else was wrong and I ended up telling him about my dreams and the tall man I keep seeing in and out of those dreams. He fell silent after that but he kept comforting me and eventually helped me to my room where I then passed out for the rest of the night.
When I woke up this morning Riley had already left for work and he left me a note on the fridge telling me that he called me in sick so I didn’t have to go to work. He also wrote that he and I needed to talk about something but he didn’t say what.
I didn’t see Riley again until yesterday afternoon when I got home from work. When I walked into the apartment he was sitting on the couch and didn’t say a word, he didn’t even look at me. I put down my bag and went into my room to let Justine out of her cage. I came back into the living room and sat down on the couch. Riley looked at me and I just started bawling. I don’t know how I could just start crying that hard but it happened. He scooted closer to me immediately to comfort me and he kept telling me that it was okay and everything was fine. I kept telling him between sobs that it wasn’t okay and that I was so very sorry for what I did to him. When I kept crying he asked me if anything else was wrong and I ended up telling him about my dreams and the tall man I keep seeing in and out of those dreams. He fell silent after that but he kept comforting me and eventually helped me to my room where I then passed out for the rest of the night.
When I woke up this morning Riley had already left for work and he left me a note on the fridge telling me that he called me in sick so I didn’t have to go to work. He also wrote that he and I needed to talk about something but he didn’t say what.
I’ll
write to you all after Riley and I have our talk. I have a feeling it isn’t going to be good…
~Willow
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